|
|
Monday, February 5th, 2007
| |
10:51 pm - The impulse to change that comes with early spring cleaning
|
|
In the spirit of getting an early start on my spring cleaning, I'm changing livejournals. I've had the one I'm changing to for a while, but never brought it into full use.. However, it seems appropriate because it matches my main AIM name and.. just plain feels clean. So, if you want to keep reading what few entries I post - though I am considering doing more, to keep track of things and for reflective purposes - the new one is ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) kudzzuu
Thankssssssssssssssssssss.
current mood:  tired
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, January 8th, 2007
| |
8:13 am - A post from school
|
|
I should be working on a rough draft of an essay that I didn't do last night, and maybe I will actually get it done before I have class, but somehow I doubt it. This is the first time I have been at school for the morning announcements since the first week of this year, but there's no TV in the writing center, so I can't watch them anyway. They still don't seem to be saying anything important. They never did.
My car is having a frozen brake caliber replaced, and hence, I am at school at 8:00, even though I have no class until 10:55. It ought to be an interesting 2-and-some hours from now till then. I find it curious that nobody feels the need to check on students in the writing center. We could all be in here skipping class the entire day, and nobody would so much as bat an eyelash about it.
My mom and my stepdad were fighting this morning. Openly, which is more than they usually do. Usually they do it in their bathroom at night, when they know my door is closed and locked, even though I have told them on numerous occasions that I can hear them through the walls. This morning, it was still in their bathroom, but they made no effort to disguise the yelling when I came up the stairs to get dressed. Then my mom decided she needed to leave ten minutes before she had told me to be ready.. and once she decided she needed to leave, she wanted to be gone right that second. The time it took me to put my shoes on (without socks) was too long for her to wait. Being in the car with her and my stepbrother (I don't know why he was there or where he was going) was incredibly awkward. Few words were said, and they all came from Jack commenting on the weather, as he constantly feels obligated to do. I just read all of this poetry that was submitted to lit mag by a girl in poetry club.. Odd how I have such a high hand in both organizations... And it made me feel completely sapped for creativity. It made me feel as though every bit of poetry I have ever written is just junk. Not the addictive, pain-killing kind of junk, either. People tell me otherwise, but.. this girl is pretty amazing.. and young. Perhaps it's her youth that gives her the unique perspective she's got. It's refreshing to read this instead of some incredibly angsty breakup poetry.. but I suppose I am envious.. and envy of somebody's intellect is not something I feel very often. Envy of people's physical attributes, I feel quite often...Dot, dot, dot.
current mood:  ineffectual
current music: The announcements played some Counting Crows
|
|
(18 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, December 29th, 2006
| |
5:30 pm - Bobby filled this out, and now I am filling this out.
|
[THIS YEAR HAVE YOU...]
had a crush on someone-- Yes.
had a crush on someone you couldn't have-- Yes.
had a bf/gf-- Yes.
asked someone out-- No.
been asked out-- Not technically.
missed someone-- Yes.
been on vacation-- Yes.
been to a concert-- Several.
gotten in a fight with a friend-- A friend? No.
gotten in a fight with your parents-- Not really. Passive resistance.
done something illegal-- Several things.
gone shopping-- Yes.
made new friends-- Yes.
been to camp-- No.
had a job-- Yes.
made a huge mistake-- Yes.
done something you regret-- Yes.
told someone you love them-- Yes.
had someone tell you they love you-- Yes.
gotten your nails done-- Yes.
drank alcohol-- Yes. Small amounts, I no longer drink routinely (only in toasts, etc.) like I used to.
done drugs-- Yes.
smoked-- Yes.
cried-- Yes.
snuck out-- No. I don't very well have to.
stayed up all night-- Yes.
gone in a pool-- Yes.
been grounded-- No.
regretted something-- Yes.
lied-- Yes.
talked on the phone all night-- Yes.
been hit on-- Yes.
gone to the movies-- Yes. And walked out on one, for the first time.
[THIS YEAR WHO...]
did you love-- I did love.
did you miss-- A few people..
did you hang out with most-- Probably Scotty
was your best friend-- Several people.
do you call the most-- Scotty.
calls you most-- Scotty
did you fight with most-- I'm really not sure.
[THIS YEAR WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...]
You hugged? Scott, on Christmas.
Called you? Scott.. I think.
Kissed you? Scott.
You slept with? Scott.
You cried over? I'm not sure I can answer that.
Missed? A few. I'm away from home.
Lied to? I don't remember.
You messaged? Jaime Mohebali
Danced with? Probably Scott
Texted? Cameron
Went to a movie with? Phil, Aria, and Heather, I think. I may actually have seen one more recently, though.
Saw? My mother.
Had a sleepover with? Probably Elise.
[PLACES]
1) Place you hungout the most this year: Scott's house and Kentlands.
2) Favorite new place you discovered: Tooo manyyyy.
3) Places you went on dates: Tooo mannnyy.
4) Favorite vacation spot for the year: I didn't enjoy my vacations that much, but the Outer Banks, I guess.
5) Favorite places you made out this year: Bed.
[PEOPLE]
1) Person/s who taught you a lot this year: Everyone teaches me something.
2) An old friend(s) you rediscovered this year: Danny Young.
3) People who told you the nicest thing about yourself: I'm not sure about this one.
4) Person who did something really great for you and what: Too many people have been kind to me for me to list them.
5) Person you spent the most time with this year: Most likely Scott.
6) Person you did something really great for and what: I did a lot of things, actually..
7) Someone you wish you talked to this year: I can't remember!
8) Someone who you started a great new friendship with: I'm not sure...
9) Old enemy you made peace with this year: Megan McPherson
10) Someone you lost this year: My greatest lifelong companion, Buster.
11) Person/s you kissed this year: Scott, Cameron.
12) Person who made you laugh the most: I dunno. Ben Plewes makes me laugh a lot.
13) Person who made you cry: MADE me cry? I'm not sure. But I cried a lot while Scott was in the hospital.
14) Person you disliked when the year began but ended up becoming good friends with: I don't think anyone..
15) Person you crushed on the entire year: Not "crushed on," per se.
16) Someone you wish you apologized to: I've made a lot of apologies recently and my conscience is fairly clear.
17) People you went out on dates with: Probably Cameron and Scott.
18) Friends you went out with a lot: Aria, lately
[STUFF]
1) Clothing item you wore the most this year: My coat from Spain, maybe, or this pair of jeans I love, or maybe Scott's sweatshirts.
2) Nicest present you got this year: Ready for cheese? LOVE.
3) Favorite song for the year: Oh, Holy Shit. Elizabeth on the Bathroom Floor is probably the one I listened to the most, or maybe Moonlight Sonata, or maybe You Fail Me.
4) Coolest event for the year: Seeing Converge was pretty awesome, but I'm not sure it was the coolest.
5) New hobby you picked up this year: I'm not sure. Maybe litmag counts.
Oops, I deleted number six by accident.
7) Best movie you saw this year: That's haaaard. Harold and Maude, probably.
8) Most shocking news headline of the year: What's shocking these days? We don't even hear about the worst of things.
9) Favorite food for the year: Veggie things.
10) Favorite new artist that came out this year: I'm not sure.
[LESSONS]
1) Wisest thing you did this year: Jesus. I can't make that kind of decision. Maybe quitting drugs, quitting cutting, etc.
2) Stupidest thing you did this year: I can't make this kind of decision, either.
3) Biggest change in your life this year: Probably quitting drugs & cutting and starting to eat again.
1. What did you do in 2006 that you've never done before? I don't know.
2. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
3. Did anyone close to you die? Yes.
4. What countries did you visit? No foreign countries this year.
5. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? I'm not sure.
6. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory? April 10th.
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I don't know!
8. What was your biggest failure? I still don't know.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah.
10. What was the best thing you bought? Yeah.
11. Whose behavior merited celebration? Someone.
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Someone.
13. Where did most of your money go? I don't know.
14. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Junks.
15. What song will always remind you of 2006? Jezebel.
16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? Not underweight, for a change.
iii. richer or poorer? I'm not sure.
17. What do you wish you'd done more of? Writing.
18. What do you wish you'd done less of? Drugs.
19. How will you be spending Christmas? With family and Scott.
20. Did you fall in love in 2006? Shhh.
21. How many one night stands in this last year? None, G.
22. What was your favorite TV program(s)? No TV for me.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Not sure.
24. What was the best book you read? YOU ALREADY ASKED THIS.
25. Describe your personal fashion concept in 2006: Tasty.
26. What kept you sane? I don't know.
27. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None..
28. What political issue stirred you the most? All of them.
29. Who did you miss? Shh
30. Who was the best new person you met? Shhh!
31. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Too many.
32. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? I don't know right now.
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, December 16th, 2006
| |
10:45 pm - Tomorrow
|
Tomorrow, December 17th, 2006, I can legally drive with teenage passengers in my car.
Also, Monday, December 18th, 2006, I finish my college classes for this semester. I've taken one exam already, and I have two (one right after the other) on Monday. Hopefully amid all the things I need to do tomorrow I will get some studying done. I sort of have to, or all my extremely hard work this semester will be blown to shit AND I won't be able to take the classes I'm signed up for during next semester.. because if you don't pass, they kick you out of the program. On Monday, I also have a doctor's appointment at 3:15.
Then, on Tuesday, December 19th, 2006, I need to have my car emissions tested in the morning, or my registration will be suspended (that is, if I don't get it done before the 22nd).
Additionally, wrapping gifts is really a fun thing. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it.
Finally, I really need to get on my own ass about college applications and write a fucking essay. All y'all, make some topic suggestions or give me some advice or something. I'm having one of the only writers blocks I have ever had, and it just so happens to be about something really important.
current mood:  busy
current music: I Would Set Myself on Fire for You
|
|
(7 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, December 4th, 2006
| |
5:22 pm
|
Please comment with
1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One random thing.
4. Lyrics to a song.
and I will try to guess who you are.
|
|
(23 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, October 15th, 2006
| |
9:22 pm
|
My Toto dog is home. She was severely dehydrated and had a mass in her stomach and her bladder last night, neither of which showed up again this morning.
My dad's best friend died today.
I have not felt so self-destructive in a long time.
current mood:  destroyed.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
2:10 am
|
|
| Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
| |
9:15 pm - Hair, again.
|
Evidently I can't have a color as unnatural as purple for work. I guess I half-expected that.
Oh well! I'll be refreshing the black dye sometime in the next couple of days, whenever I get two seconds that aren't either filled with homework, therapy, or too much thought.
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, October 9th, 2006
| |
6:56 pm - Vote.
|
Hair. bangs. Dark purple or dark red? With the rest black, that is.
Comment with your vote... and a reason why would be great, too. I simply cannot decide.
current mood:  like shit
current music: Horrorpops
|
|
(10 comments | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, August 26th, 2006
| |
10:03 pm - It's lovely to be home.
|
Well, while the last several days of beach-bumming were generally pretty pleasant, it is certainly a relief to be back here. Here, it's easier to avoid the constant conflict between my mother and her husband (which she and I discussed during our trip back last night), in addition to the relief that comes with being able to see Scott regularly.
There are a lot of things I could be doing to prepare for this whole school thing in a useful way, but instead, I'm investing in some kind of rapid vanity-trip. Momentarily, I'll be rinsing the styling wax out of my hair so I can replenish the black's former intensity, which faded quite a bit in the chlorine, salt, and sun... I'll also be venturing, at some point tonight, to do a good job of painting my own finger & toenails this lovely shade I picked up today. The crowning event, however, is some nice internet-sale-shopping.
I guess the point is that even with a whole disastrously large pile of work (reading Heart of Darkness and Beloved, along with assorted tasks I have assigned myself) ahead of me, I am still quite glad to be home.
Also, beach crabs are great entertainment.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Fugazi-Stacks
|
|
(8 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 31st, 2006
| |
5:32 pm
|
|
| Monday, July 17th, 2006
| |
10:51 am
|
|
| Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
| |
11:02 pm
|
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. (Even though I just saw him.) |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. (Hardly any at all. Movies, more so.) |
✓ I own lots of books. |
| ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. (For reading, mostly, sometimes to ease a headache.) |
× I love to play video games. |
✓ I've tried marijuana. (More than tried, I guess, but I'm done with it now. Along with everything else, drug-wise.) |
| × I've watched porn movies. |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. (Not that I know of.) |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (I've learned to follow it much better than I used to.) |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. (Often.) |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. (All the invasive, disruptive thoughts are still there, but I am better at ignoring them. I'm not on any drugs anymore, either, psychotropic or other, that affect my thoughts or behaviors.) |
× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. (I used to.) |
( it goes on... )
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
11:01 am
|
|
| Thursday, June 15th, 2006
| |
10:10 pm - Hey, remember that time I would only smoke Parliaments?
|
Well, Warped Tour was pretty swell. I think maybe I'll go in August as well. I'm pretty much coated in a film of sweat and dirt, and I'm rather tanned about the shoulders & chest and all. Against Me, Every Time I Die, Thursday, and Dropping Daylight were all particularly quality sets.
That's all I guess.
Now I am eating pizza in my computer chair. I haven't had pizza in months till now. Or, for that matter, non-diet soda, which I also have (Dr. Pepper). I didn't even blot the grease or take off the cheese. Which may be a bad idea because..
I am going to the beach on Saturday...which entails a lot of bathing suit time.. and maybe a visit with a really, really old friend. That'd be so nice.
current mood: tired
current music: Every Time I Die-Apocalypse Now and Then
|
|
(10 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, May 15th, 2006
| |
6:55 pm
|
I have here a 97% fat free flour tortilla wrapped around tuna and a single sandwich stacker pickle. And a bottle of diet A&W.
And I get on myself for eating too much? Something must be wrong. With my brain.
I am going to see a plastic surgeon tomorrow, about my scars. I wonder if I'll be able to let go of them. I'm not sure that I want to, but if I don't the bad ones will get bigger and more painful and generally just a whole lot worse, since they're not forming normally. Keloid scars, you might call them. In spite of that, I have this great fear that I am erasing myself. As a result, I'm clinging quite strongly to the justification I just gave, as well as to the idea (which I believe in very strongly) that my scars do not define me. They are, however, a rather large part of my history... Even without some of them there, I'm sure I won't forget it. The bigger ones won't go away completely, anyway.
I am painting and selling my acoustic guitar. To Matthew Bauer. For fifty dollars. Yeesh, I sure sell myself short. I hope he knows he is getting a grand deal.
Or, Najva, Kenny, and Kunal are all here in this state, now. I want to see them all. Well, I've already seen Or. How very Odd things are.
I think Scott and I will commit some crimes together sometime.
current mood:  go away
current music: Nirvana-Scentless Apprentice
|
|
(11 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 14th, 2006
| |
12:18 am - If every day is supposed to be a war, how am I supposed to find this love that I'm looking for?
|
My scars feel like they are ripping into me. A cashier at Giant asked me what happened and Scott blurted out, "Tree." I thought to myself, "No tree is that cruel." Only people have the capacity for that kind of cruelty, I am fairly certain. Nothing else, animal, plant, water, earth, or fire's ever hurt me as badly as I've hurt myself or as other people have hurt me. That is, physically speaking.. It might be true as far as emotions as well but I would have to think a little further into it than I am capable of right now.
I'm thinking-however dangerous this may be-about all the boys I ever thought I might spend my life with. There have been a few who I've romanticized that idea with, but it always eventually faded (obviously). I am hoping that doesn't happen in this relationship, but I'm also thinking I don't particularly have to hope. It just won't happen because I won't let it, or if it does, then that's the way things are. And if it isn't okay, then it isn't the end...At the moment, though, things are pretty excellent in that field of life. I enjoyed Junior Banquet, but I kind of want to go to Prom now just for an excuse to actually participate in such an event (i.e., actually dance).
Evidently, a fair number of people are having difficulty accepting that I'm really clean and really sober and all of that. I guess it's understandable to question someone like me, but it makes me question how worth it it is to be clean if no one believes it anyway. I acknowledge the health benefits, but when I get into the worst throws of my moods, those health benefits hardly seem to matter. I'm staying clean anyway...
The drive-in movie at Wootton seems to have been a success. It's time for sleep, so I can actually wake up to see Scott's gardening self tomorrow.
Goodnight, moon.
current mood:  frozen
current music: Mass Movement of the Moth-Riddle Me 666
|
|
(18 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
| |
7:16 pm
|
Scott and I paid a visit to RFK last night for the National's game, but we only stayed for two innings, with no scoring. I started to shiver and turn blue, which became problematic, you see.
I think I want to go to college in New York City. I'm really almost certain about it. I'm not sure yet whether I want to wait a year before I go, though...I might...
I have my first equine job in a while this month, from May 19th through June. It's nice to know that my reputation in the equestrian world hasn't been destroyed, and, in fact, is alive & well.
I'm about to get my hair cut again already. It grows so damn fast when it's this short.
I'm fairly disappointed that I had to miss the Isis show for an AP test-both of which turned out to be quite miserable-but my brother was kind enough to bring me a shirt that I think I will be taking in right now.
Life is pretty dramatic.
current mood:  spent
current music: The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower-Reich Stag Rock
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 24th, 2006
| |
8:27 pm
|
2000, on the SAT.
600 on math
700 on critical reading
700 on writing.
I'm in love with your daughter. I want to have her baby.
Saturday made me feel like I had never known how to kiss in the first place, when all the days before made me feel like I had just forgotten. It felt like having my soul touched with the tip of one finger, all over, in a constant line...like a contour drawing that eventually just fills the whole page completely with etchings of something I am completely unable to describe. All of everyone's collective memories at once, is the closest I can come to it.
Everybody should read more T.S. Eliot, including me.
current mood: calm
current music: Regina Spektor-Somedays
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
| |
8:07 pm
|
I am finally writing a paper that was due the day before spring break, which I hadn't really even touched until tonight. The progression of ideas consists of "war is shit" -> "shit happens" -> "don't let shit happen." I'm fucking sick as shit of writing about war, that's what shitty.
I used to think that literature was a field I would be interested in making a life out of. Now that I have gotten a fairly large taste of what analyzing literature is like, and of what analyzing analyses of literature is like, I don't think there is much I would hate more than making a living out of that. Maybe I could still write, I just couldn't ever analyze anything without wanting very badly to vomit. Now that I have said that, $20 says I become a publishing editor or some shit like that.
I hope you have already noted that my userpic is of Jim Carrey with a slit throat from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I spent a lot of time looking for that particular screen capture, and finally found it in a zip file of some 300 Eternal Sunshine captures. Lions tigers and bears, oh my.
I can't stop thinking these days and it is keeping me awake at night. For instance, until 3 AM this morning, from the 8 AM that I woke up yesterday, even after working for eight or so hours and being out another seven hours after that. Somebody needs to slap me so I snap the fuck out of this.
I have a whole enormous list of movies which were recommended to me by my AP Language teacher. I think I may actually see some of them. My history teacher, Mr. John E. Musgrove, passed away over spring break on April 13th. I got pretty sad about it, really. That's never happened to a teacher I knew before.
I guess this is all I have to say.
current mood: down
current music: Deftones - Nosebleed
|
|
(4 comments | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
